Been really struggling with trauma the past few days.
Lots of calls to 111 and a emotional support line they can refer you to. Lots of using “same but different” which can be found on DIS SOS, lots of reality checking, support from my neighbours and mum.
Lots of friends pulling serious, dangerous bullshit. Won’t go into details, but oh god it’s been a lot. It’s made coping much harder for me.
This is something I’ve discovered today after putting radio one on in the morning, keeping it on after my mum came to see me, and then returning to the radio when we got back. I’ve actually kept it on into the evening, so it’s been a whole day of radio shows.
It’s actually very regulating for me. It’s like having background company, which reduces loneliness. It’s also lower demand than tv – you can tune your attention in and out. Pay close attention to the funny chat, let a song be pretty in the background.
One thing is that sometimes you do have to ignore a song you don’t particularly enjoy. I found the giggles from the commentary made that worthwhile today.
I think I will try and make time for radio days, much like I do for demand free time. I think they may become equally important for my mental health.
Recently I’ve been very lonely. I don’t see my friends in person very often, nor do I have that many. Where I live is only a small town. All the activities are attended by women in their 50s and 60s.
My care coordinator said it best when he said ‘there’s nothing to do in X for 30 year olds, unless you like drink or drugs’. Suffice to say, I don’t intend to take up substance abuse to gain social connections!
I struggled making friends at university in Cardiff. So it feels like if I couldn’t manage whilst surrounded by 30k students my own age, how do I expect to make friends in home counties small town? It leaves me feeling like the problem is me – that there’s something wrong with me.
This loneliness and low mood has been making food a particular struggle at the moment. It’s feeling far too demanding to decide what meets my sensory needs, shop for it, store it appropriately, prepare it, cook it, eat it and clean up afterwards. I’m tempted to survive of Huel and toast for a while – low spoons food. Nut butter for protein, toast for carbs, Huel for vitamins and minerals. Not the best diet, but better to be consuming something at least, and it would be easiest with my spoon level and sensory needs at present.
Hopefully things will get easier soon. I am very glad to be spending a Christmas with family, in the community, doing all the usual Christmas things. I missed out in a big way last year, and I have a lot to be thankful for that I’m well (not psychotic) this time around.
I made a post on my instagram about how sometimes I do not like being neurodivergent. Recently I’ve been struggling with being autistic, ADHD, (likely) dyspraxic, dyscalculic – and especially, bipolar. That it feels like it just makes life more difficult, causes more struggles and loneliness.
My journaling tonight leads me to reflect that I would not wish for my neurokin to be self-hating.
So I asked myself, are there good things to being different in this way. Maybe right now I’m just not seeing them, because I’m finding it really hard to create an answer to that question that lists any positives.
But if I don’t want my neurokin to be self-hating I shouldn’t put that on myself either.
Maybe then I can take a neutral stance, like I’ve seen many others adopt. That neurodivergence can just be neutral. It just is. It’s ok that it is, it’s a variation that is, that happens.
And it’s ok.
I’ve been super anxious recently. My antipsychotic depot’s cause this each time so far outside of hospital, for Trauma Reasons. This weeks was better, in that I didn’t get a week of intrusion symptoms, but I did get nightmares the night before.
I was also extra-sensitive to loneliness. I’m not entirely sure why that’s what came up. I suppose it might have been an emotional flashback. The feeling: all alone in a hostile space, post trauma.
I emailed the PDA society, my therapist and SANEline, all of which have been good sources of support for me in the past. I also tried nightline for an immediate response, which has historically been the best helpline I’ve used (it’s by students, for students, term time in the UK). It wasn’t so helpful this time, and I should have ended the webchat much sooner – it amounted to a degree of emotional self-harm that night.
Thankfully the email responses were a lot stronger. The PDA Society supporter urged me not to give up hope of making connections, though they edged on advising learning to mask better which I’m not 100% on board with. They talked about working with a professional and trusted family member/friend to work on mastering ‘social do’s and don’ts’. I can see some use for that, but it’d be nice to get advice on ‘here’s how PDAers meet people they can be themselves with’. I do appreciate them being able to supply recommendations for professionals that can support.
SANEline suggested hobby groups, and offered questions for further thought. I still need to respond, it’s likely to be a validating discussion. That’s what I find SANEline are most useful for when I talk to them.
My therapist had the best response, which is perhaps unsurprising given she knows me as an individual. She stated that perhaps humans are not the most reliable source of connection. As such, she suggested that maybe I need to spend some time at a Cat cafe to get some oxytocin. She also reminded me that I can brainspot in my own time to strengthen my brains awareness of my good qualities.
So I put that into place after my depot injection. Headed straight to the local cat cafe. A kitty prompted clambered straight onto me and wanted to be held for hours. Definite oxytocin hit!
Following that, I went to the local MH hub to talk to some humans that understand. Had a couple of in depth chats, some light hearted chatting, did a tiny bit of studying. As my therapist predicted, it wasn’t as secure a source of connection – but it was still valuable.
Then, tonight I had too much demand anxiety to sleep. So, I put on my lava lamp for the first time since being here and chilled out. Over the time I: read my queer fantasy book, read up on developmental psychology to prepare for research assistant volunteering, used Finchcare, and sat and watched the lava lamp to the sound of a fire-scape video on youtube.
That last activity made me fixate my gaze on the lava lamp, and I began to notice feeling unusually soothed. Gaze fixation is a big part of brainspotting, so I checked if there was another location where that sense of soothing increased. There wasn’t – at the angle I was sat at, my lava lamp seems to fall in my “soothe spot”. I tried it again later in a different room, and yup it’s the spot.
So I haven’t done the exact brainspotting my therapist recommended, oddly enough – but I have done that! I also did the “injection trauma” spot before leaving my flat to get the depot injection, which does seem to help me cope.
Now I’ve written it all out, it’s clear to me that was another layer of emotional flashback caused by depot injection. A shorter one this time. I attribute that to the process of brainspotting I’ve started on this trauma. It’s good to now have a brainspot I can use to soothe my way out of emotional flashbacks/help me through them till they end. It’s a reminder that there’s a good reason to meet the demand my therapist gave me to strengthen the neural re-wiring in my own time.
It’s the first week of the module, and I’m a week ahead. That’s because the website opens before the module commences, not because I’m superhuman and studied two weeks in the first week of term.
It definitely feels better to be a week ahead. There’s less sense of pressure, and if I can keep up this way, I can take a rest week if I need to. I’m not sure if it’s going to be possible to get any further ahead with this module. Every week involves a lot of notetaking, so cramming two weeks into one would be very intense.
I feel more confident now that I’ve managed a week of study in an actual week. Prior to the module starting it had taken me two or so weeks to complete the first weeks study – I think having the actual time pressure helped me register the importance.
I like that this module moves frequently between sciences, that will keep my brain engaged and curious. I have to think about it little bit by little bit, because thinking all the way to May makes me feel rather overwhelmed. Instead, I’m trying to think in terms of tutor marked assignment (TMA), by TMA. Taking each one in turn, and focusing on the work each one needs as they come up.
The TMAs on this module are lengthier than I’ve been used to on my previous module – rather more demanding! With gentle self care, perseverance and persistence, I shall tackle each one with mindfulness of demand anxiety. I foresee a lot of demand free time in my future!
I use this a lot to help me get tasks done. It involves turning activities of daily living into a game – scoring points, getting rewards (if that works for you), growing a character, going on quests.
I find the best rewards for me are ones that aren’t part of the real world. For example, I use Finchcare, which is a little app with a finch, where the rewards allow you to dress up your finch, or decorate their little home. It’s not pushy – it does ask you to set a streak, but this feature is pretty ignorable. It doesn’t nag you to complete tasks, you can turn notifications off, it just celebrates what you do get done. I have tasks that are just there to be avoided, if I’m honest. If you’re interested, and would like to start with a micropet, my friend code is F9AQBHSE5D.
The other main form of gamification I use is Habitica. In this one, you have a little pixel character, that again you can earn ways to dress them up. You can also set real life rewards, if that happens to work for you. There’s also quests to go on, to defeat monsters. This really helped me for a long time to carry out cleaning, and such tasks. I might use it again to encourage myself in my studies. I do tend to set fewer dailies, because these give damage when not completed, which can become demanding.
I find the novelty of a little game a good way to work around perceived demands. It especially helps when there’s little to no consequence to skipping a task, but a boon to completing it.
I have a lot of demand anxiety about studying right now, so I’m going to avoid by making a post about what usually helps me to study. This may or may not work for you, or it may help you think on what would work for you to be a student – take or leave whatever does or doesn’t feel right.
These little ideas help keep me on track most of the time. And writing this has me feeling more inspired to Study!
I haven’t posted about how full my “demand cup” feels for a while. This is based on Tomlin Wilding’s concept here: http://tomlinwilding.com/the-demand-cup/
Right now, living in my own home on my own provides a lot more autonomy than I’ve had in a long time. I can do things on my own terms for the most part.
I also have the support of carers for activities of daily living, which takes a lot of demands off my plate. That’s super helpful a lot of the time, though I need to be careful it doesn’t make the demands harder to meet in the long term. If you’re struggling as a PDAer, you’ve a right to a Care Act Assessment, if you have an autism diagnosis. Talk to the PDA society enquiry line to find out more about this if you think it would help you.
I’m managing university study – I think because this fits into my “PDA flow”. It’s a very autonomous choice to be a student, and I’m on a very autonomous degree. It’s enabling me to study areas of specific interest in depth. I find I actually study better with a bit of guidance, and structure – I actually find autodidactic learning more demanding at times, as I have to provide all the structure and content for myself. I also like knowing that my learning leads to a useful outcome.
I’m managing to get outside a lot more than I used to. I’m trying to avoid impulsive spending, though this is a real struggle.
All in all, for most of the time, things are going well. However, I do get times when I hit a brick wall of no demand capacity. This is particularly when trauma symptoms are bad at the moment. I’m hoping therapy and my new mental health team can help me with that over time. For right now, things can be somewhat difficult with that. Mostly though, this is an ideal living arrangement for me, that protects my demand cup from overflowing.
I want to share my method I found during my stats class at Cardiff University that seems to work for me when it comes to learning maths procedures.
It involves focusing on learning the procedure in words. Focusing on the concepts, expressed verbally. Writing these out as a questionnaire was a great way for my mum to help me revise for my stats exam, and I managed to get a first!
To use an example from my current studies:
How do you convert a time expressed in years to one expressed in seconds?
Multiply the time in years, as in expressed in standard form, by the amount of seconds in a year, as expressed in standard form. This gives the amount of seconds in each year in your original total.
I don’t want to practice using the formulas – including the numerals leads to errors. I was always told I was ‘overcomplicating things’. However, it’s more that I simply can not use formulas unless I actually grasp the underlying concept – and so long as I revise the concept of the procedure, I don’t seem to even need to practice the formula to use it!
I hope this might be of use for someone else out there (and please correct me if I’ve gotten the concept wrong in the example given, I’ve typed it out from memory from only having begun to work with it).
PDA fae 