Healing: the weird benefits of a psychosis

Due to my history of complex trauma (and also due to attending a religious primary school, where there was – to my mind – religious indoctrination), I’ve struggled for most of my life with the concepts of religion, faith and spirituality. I’ve considered myself an atheist since I first heard the word at 9 years old, reasoning that this universe contains too much evil to have been created by a loving god, and that relying on the explanation of a creator was simply a form of ‘god of the gaps’.

However, some of my delusions had a spiritual component, and now where I’m at the stage of having returned to consensus reality, some of that has stayed with me powerfully – the idea that we do live in a universe, where the cause of it will never be known, but somehow it does try it’s best to make a home for us. In effect, I’ve started to feel that what can be “worshipped” is the gift of there being a universe at all, via the celestial bodies (for me, the moon was central to the spiritual delusions as representing god) – but not so much worship, but rather, appreciation.

The appreciation to have the chance to experience a universe at all, and a globe that spins that leads to the new day. I remain agnostic as to whether that universe came from a specific creator entity, but am now more open to the possibility that if there is a chance there was such a creator, there could well have been. It’s.. interesting, experiencing psychosis as partly a communion with the spiritual nature of life, but in terms of healing from trauma, deeply meaningful.