PDA fae

Tag: autonomy

  • Autotelic

    I’ve just been reminded of this concept by a reel on Instagram, which I’ve shared to my stories there (https://www.instagram.com/pda.fae/). I first learnt of being autotelic through discussion with a fellow PDAer on Instagram in 2021, and upon rediscovering it, I’m sad that I forgot it.

    It’s the idea of carrying out an activity for the joy of the process, not the outcome. In other words, for the reason of internal motivation, rather than external, such as grades, awards, medals, a new job. Writing a story for the joy of storytelling, not with the goal of publishing.

    This can be a good way for PDAers to pursue autonomy. Working from internal motivation removes others expectations, and ensures that we’re working on what we want to work on, rather than what we “want to want to do”. It’s a way of following our flow.

  • Autonomy struggles

    I’ve realised tonight that I’m struggling at home due to an autonomy loss.

    I’d autonomously choose to have someone around to talk to. Or at least, friends to meet up with for conversation in the evenings/call on the phone. I am craving conversation in the hours when I am alone.

    That’s making everything else I could fill my time with feel like a loss of autonomy. I do love crafting, but it’s not conversation. It’s not company.

    I should be excited to get a cat, but you can’t hold a conversation with a cat.

    I just thrive on conversation, to the point I tend to drive most people nuts as they generally need some time of peace and quiet. I have no idea how to meet this autonomous drive of mine, and it leaves me feeling like a problem. No one else seems to have this drive to just talk at length, and at any rate, I don’t know anyone for evening conversation.

    I’m not sure what the answer to this is. It feels good to identify it though, maybe it’s the first step to an answer.

  • Hopes for my 34th year!

    • I hope to shortly own a kitty
    • I hope to do well in my first stage of university – acheiving a distinction in my first module, and passing my second (due to my dyscalculia)
    • I hope to meet new people, and make solid new connections where there is mutual supportiveness and understanding
    • I hope to keep experiencing enjoyment in life
    • I hope my meds do not get reduced or stopped
    • I hope to avoid mania and depression
    • I hope to keep healing my trauma
    • I hope to enjoy my new flat, and decorate it how I want
    • I hope to experience autonomy and lower demand living
    • I hope that my carers will be able to adequately support me in daily living

    It could be a big year! It should hopefully not be a year lived in hospital, unlike 33. I should hopefully enjoy being well in the community, engaging in interests and social groups.

    Wish me luck – if you feel inclined to do so!

  • Fawning as necessary, and moral

    It’s very hard not to feel that avoidance makes me a bad person, naughty, non-compliant, defiant, bad.

    People in authority, with jobs to do, people who might get in trouble for allowing the avoidance put so much emotional pressure on. Everyone has something they’re willing to be coercive over, in my experience.

    It feels, very strongly, that the only means of being safe in this world is to fawn. To comply, and dissociate from the demand anxiety this causes, even if this is at psychological cost to myself. It feels, therefore, that a PDA existence can not be a trauma free existence – because the process of doing this is traumatic in itself.

    It’s awful. I hate this.

  • Almond butter autonomy.

    It’s never a good start to a day when at 4am, after a night of pain and no sleep, you develop a craving for almond butter on toast… and have no means of having that for breakfast.

    I’m likely going to struggle to eat breakfast at all. My demand capacity is going to be quite a bit lower. It might seem odd, but a large part of that will be due to the loss of autonomy of the choice of what to eat, not pain or sleep deprivation. Of course, I’d probably cope better if my stress cup wasn’t filled by those things – see Tomlin Wilding’s page for information on ‘cups’.

    Odd as it may seem though, the simple lack of the food I actually want for breakfast – and the inability to pop to a shop beforehand to pick it up, or that it wouldn’t be listed on deliveroo groceries, is a problem. I’m already grumpy just thinking about breakfast without my autonomous choice. Nothing else is going to be a good substitute, which is not ideal when pain has already reduced my appetite.

    Sigh. I foresee a taxi ride to the nearest big supermarket today.