PDA fae

Category: mania

  • Delusions.

    As part of my bipolar manias, I experience psychosis. This is primarily experienced through delusions for me, though possibly I get hallucinations (if I do, I am not aware of the perceptual experience as being hallucinatory at the time). I don’t hear voices, which I am grateful for.

    The main delusions types I experience are: grandiose, paranoid and “pronoia” (which refers to delusions of being aided or helped). They centre around military intelligence and my history of trauma. During each manic episode, events going on at the present time will inform the delusions, shaping them into a narrative specific to that mania. I also find that my delusions pull in the people around me, giving them roles in a narrative they are unaware of – often thankfully so, especially when the delusion is a paranoid one!

    I often find these delusions embarrassing once I return to “consensus reality”, and have found this time that it has helped to laugh at them. After all “vampire marriage night”, without consent from the poor groom, and with the presence of vampires that looked oddly just like staff and patients is quite a creative one, I feel. They behaved well, biting no one, just getting grumpy that being on a locked ward prevented them reaching the portal back home – to hell – in the courtyard. One staff member even got the starring role of being the devil himself! I don’t usually have such a religious content to my delusions, so that’s a new aspect for this mania.

    Perhaps it feels inappropriate to laugh at such a serious psychological phenomenon, but for me, having survived it, doing so feels the best way to respond. Most of it is patently ridiculous, and it takes the edge off that which is scary, intense (usually to others) and relieves embarrassment very well. It’s been good spending time with fellow patients who experience strange beliefs, and realising that I’m not alone with these.

  • Oops.. and an bipolar update

    Well, ooops. I posted to my instagram account (winternighttraveller), in the depths of delusion. Not going to go into details of what my delusions have been, there’s no need (and I find sharing the details highly embarrassing after they’ve started to pass).

    Currently I’m an inpatient on a ward, after a summer MH crisis. It’s been.. difficult, I’ve been very poorly with psychosis.

    There is some truth to the content on the instagram: I do intend to do lived experience research into PDA, using perceptual data to look at the differences in brain regions and functions between Autistics, PDAers and Allistics. I suspect that what makes our brains tick is that we are a halfway point between the other two neurotypes: processing in a top down manner, but also in a more Autistic bottom up way. That is to say, that we partially use heuristics* cognitively, but also take an awful lot from our sensory perception to guide our cognition. I wonder if possibly the demand avoidance/anxiety arises when the two “collide”, and the brain feels overloaded between the sensory input, and external top down induced “demands”.

    *top down and heuristics refers to using cognitive shortcuts, and prior known awareness to guide automatic thinking processes.