PDA fae

Category: bipolar

  • Having a future, once more

    When I was manic, I declared I’d become a human rights lawyer. This was grandiose, I wouldn’t get through law school. I do have an interest in human rights, and so I’ve been researching alternative careers in the field that don’t require law school.

    It feels so good to have options around my career. In my 20s I was heart set on clinical psychologist (because I wanted to offer people better services than my friends were offered). I dropped out of undergrad, and since then, learnt that you can’t overthrow a system by being the system. So I moved on from that goal. It felt like a loss initially, but it really wasn’t.

    Now I’m looking at working in local autism policy, or autism research, human rights work, or setting up a peer support company.

    times are exciting again, finally .. after 6 years of stagnation after my first manic episode and not being offered any help to regain my functioning,

    I now have supported housing (which is limited, for reasons) and living here and recovering from mania has shifted my mindset into thinking about the future again. This is why I call this period of time a metanoia.

    It’s bloody amazing.

    What helps in all this, is learning about the idea of the PDA flow. This sort of stuff is exactly my PDA flow.. and I’ve been so much more motivated to be functional in life because I know where my flow lies again. Existing disconnected from the flow seems to be a surefire way to be depressed for me. Even when I was manic, I was finding my flow again, and that was a very good thing.

  • My second chance.

    Metanoia pays off, it seems.

    That’s a word I’ve used here before: the idea of profound lasting positive change after a breakdown, esp. psychotic breakdown.

    I’ve just been approved for a student loan to return to university! I had worried due to previous study and overpayments I wouldn’t be, so things had been uncertain and stressful. It’s so good to have the certainty about what I will be doing come October 7th.

    It will be the Open Degree at the Open University, which in short refers to multidisciplinary study – lots of all the sciences for me, social and life/physical. Lots of modules on mental health, autism and ADHD, biology, sociology. It’s so exactly my area of interest – this is what I did my A levels in, bio, sociology and psych and I loved those.

    2021’s psychotic breakdown really did lead to massive change for me. I got the actual care I needed from it, and rescued from stagnation where I didn’t feel competent to try anything. I also didn’t know what my goal, or aim was. It had been clinical psychology, and I lost that. Lost interest in it as well.

    I didn’t have anything to replace it though, till I added the world of neurodevelopmental difference to my knowledge of neurodivergence (including mental ill health in that). Until I reframed everything as ‘neurodiversity’ and ‘examples of neurodivergence’ – that was a real paradigm shift. I also learnt how vital lived experience is and the power it holds, from working with my lived experience practictioner. But also from the wealth of lived experience shared on social media.

    That gave me a drive to pursue after I started recovering. A HCA on the first ward that year said logically SFE should provide funding, otherwise they make no return on their investment in me. That provided the spark to reconsider university study, the hope it might be possible.

    Sometimes living alone is lonely, but it provides me with the space I need to study without others around me. I have good meds, I have new diagnoses, I can get new accommodations. I understand myself better and what works for me. I have trauma therapy finally. The OU puts out so much needed and helpful guidance on how to study, and the level one modules are a gentle start. I get to study slowly.

    Things should be much better this time, so I am very, very excited for my second chance.

  • Mixed episode

    As part of applying for disabled student’s allowance, I had to find my medical evidence to submit. One of these was my recent care plan from the CMHT (community mental health team).. and getting that out led to me deciding to google the ICD code my doctor had used.

    It lead to a result that said ‘mixed episode’. Looking at my previous care plan, it had the same code, so my psychiatrist thinks I’ve been in this episode since at least November.

    I’d identified that my pervasive boredom seemed like a depressive symptom (anhedonia, or lack of pleasure). I hadn’t realised that I also had hypomania symptoms alongside, but now that I reflect on it, it makes sense. It gets hard to differentiate ADHD hyperactivity from hypomanic symptoms, but there are definitely times when I’ve been seeming that way – but it’s very short lived. So I’d assumed ‘oh that’s ADHD’. Having researched mixed episodes, it seems nope, actually that was hypomania symptoms.

    This is the first time I’ve been officially identified as experiencing mixed episodes. I think I might have had them all along though, especially early on in my bipolar journey. It’s frustrating that I’m about as ok as I could be, and I’m still in a mood episode. I don’t seem to get euthymic moods, just some degree of illness – usually a mild to moderate degree of depression in recent years.

    I’m not sure whether this episode is preferable to a pure episode or not. It’s nice to have more energy than I would when depressed. It’s worrying to have any hypomanic symptoms, especially without having identified them myself. At least now I know that this is a pattern to watch out for as well, and that low mood isn’t a reason to not watch out for hypomania.

  • Life is boring..

    .. life feels boring?

    Is life boring?

    It definitely feels it recently. Life has been feeling same-y, repetitive, lacking anything truly pleasurable, or worthwhile.

    I’ve also been sleeping a lot – regular 12+ sleeps, with very low demand capacity, struggling to cook, or want much food.

    Sounds like mild depression to me.

    So maybe life isn’t boring, but depression is making it seem that way. That’s what I’m hoping, because if that’s the case, there’s tangible things I can do about it.

    Though, part of me suspects that it’s also that human society is badly set up.. if you want to get out of the house and do something, what can you do?

    Shop? spend money you don’t have on things you don’t need

    Cafe? Park? Library? Cinema? It’s a limited range of options.

    OR

    There’s go down a pub… and we wonder why drinking is so common in society.

    It’s hard to think what there is to plan to go out and do with my time, that could be some spontaneous fun. I think that’s part of what I’m lacking, something different, out of the ordinary, spur of the moment… but it’s so hard to think what that could look like.

    All the options just feel like another part of the mundanity.

    I don’t know if depression is the reason that mundanity feels so oppressively unbearable, or not. If it’s not, I don’t know what to do about that feeling.

    But working on making sure I’m looking after my mood sounds like a place to start, and nothing has to be fixed all at once. It’s a journey… and yesteday (I write this at 3am), getting some sunshine, spending time with friends … and making plans with a local healthwatch* to do work around Autistic and learning disabled people stuck in prisons and ATUs was definitely a step along that journey. Definitely feels like a bigger step than the previous day which was made up of lonely sleeping and dozing (that horrible half asleep state where you want to just pop downstairs and see people you no longer live with). But I try to remember the value of rest, and perhaps that day of doziness was just as important and restorative – and prepared me for the day I had yesterday.

    *If you’re in the UK, you can find your local healthwatch here.

  • Neurokindred

    Something I really feel the lack of now I know more about my neurodivergences is the presence of neurokin in my life. When it comes to the bipolar, I have my neurokin there, one friend with bipolar, another with schizoaffective (and another with schizophrenia), and this feels so good. It’s good to have people who understand being hospitalised, or being psychotic and experiencing delusions. It’s also good that one of those friends is also autistic and ADHD, so I’m not completely alone.

    I’m going to an ADHD support group tomorrow night, so hopefully I will meet some more neurokin there. I also joined an online autism peer support group, which was a great experience earlier this month. I will blog about both of these in the near future.

    What feels particularly lacking is PDA neurokin. We’re not the most common of people, and often we like to interact online. Dannii at PDAourway often refers to her neurokin friends and it always induces a pang of longing for me.. to have numerous friends who are true neurokin, in being PDA and ADHD. It’d be good to have people in my life who truly understood the PDA experience, rather than who were learning about it.

  • Mania recovery milestone

    During my mania last year, I lost all my saved music on Spotify, because paranoid delusions caused me to delete my account.

    It royally fucking sucked.

    Finally, I’ve started finding music that makes me feel as good as the music I had before. It had been a dreary year listening to music that only half ‘worked’. Trying yet another playlist, saving the best that I could find. Hoping my discover weekly would catch on to my taste.

    My friend recommended that I search for a song and then let it autoplay – so much better results!

    An hour in, and I’m back to my dance stimmy, sensory seeking self!

  • Late diagnosis benefits

    I’ve been struggling recently to find life enjoyable. I thought this was because my life was lacking things I needed for fulfilment/satisfaction/contentment and that I needed to find things to add to my life. This was in spite of having a meaningful job, friends at my supported living scheme, meetup groups that I’ve started attending, Christmas to look forward to and secure housing.

    My therapist posited that this might mean it’s not that I need to add anything. Instead, she suggested that, it might be that the unconscious processes of managing demands, sensory needs, energy levels and stimulation levels might be so draining that’s what’s making life hard to enjoy. That was definitely something I hadn’t thought of, but seems worth considering. So, to begin addressing this, she suggested bringing these processes into conscious awareness. I’m starting with sensory needs, recording what I’m over and under responsive to each day. The aim is to move from passive self-regulation, to gaining more ways to actively self-regulate, either sensory seeking or avoiding.

    I’m really hoping that we’re onto something here. Struggling to enjoy life has been a long term problem historically, often only interrupted by the early stages of a manic episode, in which I can entertain myself with my own thoughts. I think in part it’s affected by my tendency to spend a lot of time in low moods. Unfortunately, I can’t take anti-depressants as they will induce a manic episode. Having not been aware of my neurodevelopmental differences for 30 plus years, I had had no way to consider the effects of demands, sensory input and under stimulation. This is where identification of these factors is invaluable, as I can now pay attention and take action directed at these specifically.

    For example, I’ve recently started making use of ear defenders in public. I love that these make me visibly autistic. It’s a neuroaffirming experience to be open and proud of my neurodivergencies, instead of ashamed, masking and feeling weird. Another accommodation we discussed was around meal times. I tend to avoid the fact that I’m eating whilst doing so, essentially dissociating from eating. As a result of our discussion, I gave myself permission to order some ready made Huel meal drinks. We also discussed blending meals, and drinking them rather than eating as a possible way to remove texture based sensory overwhelm.

    It’s so good to finally be able to identify, accept and meet my own needs.

  • (untitled)

    Right now I hate being a PDAer.

    My knee dislocated yesterday. Immediately went back into place, but not without agony.

    It’s possible I have a hypermobility condition and I definitely hate that. Can’t cope that this is likely to not be the last time this happens.

    PDAers are known for having intense mood swings. My mood has tanked today. I’m irritable, hostile, angry, tearful.

    My mood, as I’ve said before has been low recently. I’ve been struggling to find enjoyment in life, and worst still, identify when I’ve ever enjoyed life. It’s not a lie to say that every season of my life has been traumatic in it’s own way. A doctor on the first psych ward I was on identified my autistic traits.. and thought I had dysthymia alongside bipolar. I wonder if he might have been on to something. When I’m not manic, I’m low. I don’t really do ‘normal’.

    So today feels like a double whammy of mood disorders and PDA mood swing.

    I feel like no one likes the unmasked me. The intense moods. The demand avoiding. The very real lack of pleasure I experience in life. The verbal hyperactivity. The anxiety.

    I feel like a problem. I feel like time and time again I cause problems.

  • Low mood

    A big component of my neurodivergence is my bipolar disorder. Last year I had a big manic episode and became psychotic. I ended up in hospital, which is how it was identified that I needed supported accommodation.

    Now, my mood is a lot lower. It’s probably not a good thing that Taylor Swift’s Anti-hero is a trend on tiktok, because the words ‘It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me’ keep cycling through my head, because it sums up an long held self-belief. I’m trying to tell myself ‘I have problems, I’m not a problem’, but a lot of the time I just end up believing it.

    I’m finding life very mundane and dull. Things feel repetitive and that’s constraining, I feel like I’m living the same week over and over. Moving between the same few places: the school, my flat, the communal lounge, the swimming pool, my parents. It feels like there’s nothing that really adds meaning or fulfilment to my life. At the same time, I’m not sure what I could add that would make a difference to that.

    It doesn’t help that my flat has descended into a state of chaos. A support worker helped me tidy my bedroom and it feels like a little oasis. My living room is still a mess unfortunately. I find that working on it with someone else reduces the sense of demand and makes it possible to achieve. That’s not a long term solution as I won’t always have the supported accommodation, but it works for now. In the times between being able to get that support though, my flat is cluttered and untidy. It definitely isn’t good for my mental health.

    In general, depression is my usual. I get very little time in ‘normal mood’, instead I spend most of my time at some degree of low. It’s frustrating that we can’t really medicate for that, as antidepressants will make me manic. I just have to deal with it, and it really saps the enjoyment from my life.