PDA fae

Author: plumfae

  • Further thoughts about dyscalculia and dyspraxia

    I think I’m much more severely dyspraxic, than dyscalculic, and it’s the one that frustrates me more. It’s annoying to struggle with basic movements on a day to day basis.

    The main frustration with dyscalculia is that it hampers me studying something like astronomy. I had a major special interest in that as a kid (as well as palaeontology, teaching myself how evolution worked at age 8).

    I’ve always been highly intelligent, described by my tutor at Cardiff University as “gifted” (my one brag in life). So it’s hard to be held back by a specific learning difficulty.

    It is still more frustrating though to be clumsy and struggle with movement. I drop things, knock things over, struggle to style my hair. Stuff that’s so basic for other people, and it really gets me judged. It’s upsetting.

  • Suspected dyspraxia

    As part of my dyscalculia assessment, the assessor screened for dyspraxia. Turns out, as I had thought, it seems very likely I have it, so she’s written a referral for me.

    I really would prefer not to have these struggles. I want to be better at sports and handicrafts. I struggled in tech lessons, with carpentry and sewing machines. I can’t run fast, I’m generally totally unable to compete in sports.

    Sometimes this can be my least favourite part of my neurodevelopmental divergences. People are very judgemental about the results of the struggle as well – they seem to only judge sensory sensitivities as much. They judge when I drop food and make a mess, for example. I’m clutzy and that gets disapproval.

    It’d be really nice if people understood better about dyspraxia, and that my clutziness isn’t just laziness or not trying.

  • New theme and other thoughts

    Got bored, changed things up!

    I’m tempted to try working on some “easy read” posts, as some of our community have co-occuring learning disabilities (and I’d like to practice writing in this style).

    I’m also all moved now! Check my facebook and instagram for more details!

  • Dyscalculia confirmed!

    On the 15th I had an assessment to check whether I’d been right to suspect dyscalculia since my teen years. I had delayed this, due to everyone’s responses that ‘you’re not dyscalculic, you just struggle’ or ‘maths is hard for everyone’ – particularly from women. Internalised sexism, I would imagine.

    People assumed that my ability to do maths would be absolutely nil. I had one person tell me that because I predicted how gears would turn incorrectly, I couldn’t have dyscalculia, because people with that would get that correct. Based on my assessment, I would say that’s wrong, because making an error on clockwise and anti-clockwise would align with the errors picked up on in my report.

    My report notes a weakness in my working memory, number sense, and ineffective retrieval of maths facts. There’s an awful lot of detail in the entire report, but none of it is entirely surprising to me. Mainly it feels really good to have my suspicions confirmed, and that I do know myself best.

  • Hopes for my 34th year!

    • I hope to shortly own a kitty
    • I hope to do well in my first stage of university – acheiving a distinction in my first module, and passing my second (due to my dyscalculia)
    • I hope to meet new people, and make solid new connections where there is mutual supportiveness and understanding
    • I hope to keep experiencing enjoyment in life
    • I hope my meds do not get reduced or stopped
    • I hope to avoid mania and depression
    • I hope to keep healing my trauma
    • I hope to enjoy my new flat, and decorate it how I want
    • I hope to experience autonomy and lower demand living
    • I hope that my carers will be able to adequately support me in daily living

    It could be a big year! It should hopefully not be a year lived in hospital, unlike 33. I should hopefully enjoy being well in the community, engaging in interests and social groups.

    Wish me luck – if you feel inclined to do so!

  • Second attempt at facebook

    I’ve decided to give having a facebook page a second attempt. I find generating content for Facebook the hardest, for some reason – I’ve never quite pinned down why. I think because it wants longform posts as well, and I’m using all my mental energy creating them for here.

    I’ve thought of a few different things I can try to mix things up and differentiate the three social media platforms. I want to try and foster more community engagement on Facebook, if I can. That’s going to take being as low demand as possible, and having no expectations on the community, and enticing interest. I hope I can get some discussion going, that would be really cool.

    I’d love to be more well known in the area of PDA advocacy – it doesn’t help that I struggle to keep a regular posting schedule. I struggle to generate ideas for content, and focus on posting when I actually have something to say. Trying to brainstorm ideas would make things very demanding for me. Some months I think of a lot to say, other months are more quiet.

    It’s an adventure, let’s see where this goes.

  • Brainspotting…

    …works wonders!

    I’ve been working with an Autistic/ADHD/Dyspraxic/Dyslexic therapist recently, who has a PDA kid on trauma therapy. The modality she uses with PDAers is brainspotting, which is a variant on EMDR. Personally I think it could be called ESDR or EFDR, eye stillness/fixation de-sensitisation and reprocessing therapy. It works on bilateral stimulation, focusing on bodily sensation and rating it (which makes it a somatic therapy) – I tend to picture my bodily sensations as colours – and eye fixations. During this, you think about or visualise either a positive resource, or your trauma, either increasing or decreasing the feeling respectively.

    Tbis therapy (along with lamotrigine) has helped my life hugely. I have a lot more faith in the universe, and feel more comfortable with spirituality. I will post more about this shortly. I feel able to experience enjoyment, and trust in myself. I feel better able to self-advocate, have better self esteem, and better internal communication.

    I won’t say ‘I recommend this’, all I can say is how much this has helped me. It’s really starting to turn my life around. I finally feel like there was a point to surviving.

  • Moving demand anxiety

    Recently I’ve experienced so much demand anxiety about moving, that I’ve mostly been sleeping and hiding.

    There’s been so much to do and arrange – carpets, paint, electricals, electric, gas and water, television license, and internet. It’s been so stressful. It’s a little better now some of it’s getting sorted, I’m finally managing to feel a little excitement.

    I’m very lucky, it’s a great flat, with a lot of storage. It’s going to be so good to get away from the restrictive environment of the ward, and away from some of the repetitive conversation with ill patients. There’s a nice communal garden, and a little yard outside my flat where I can grow some plants if I wish.

    I just wish that moving didn’t come with so many intense demands. It’s really quite a lot to take on, but it’s going to be worth it to no longer be living in supported housing.

  • PDA comedy night!

    Hopefully a few laughs was the tag line – and well, more than a few occurred! I had a great time at this event last night, never thought I’d see Katherine Ryan and Nish Kumar, let alone for a PDA fundraiser.

    Everyone was really great, absolutely hilarious. Ed and Asha (?) gave a really moving introduction speech highlighting the importance of PDAers receiving needed support – Asha in particular did great!

    The highlight of my evening though, was getting a chance to talk to Ed, and be invited to take part in some participatory research. I adore the PDA society, they fight for us with the energy of a thousand suns, and I’m behind everything they stand for.

    At the beginning of the night, an amazing £21k had been raised, funding three months of their helpline – which has provided me with invaluable support repeatedly since 2021, including securing me an assessment when communication broke down with Dr Gloria Dura Vila’s team during an mania.

    A brilliant start to my birthday month!

  • Is this “normal mood”?

    I’ve been taking lamotrigine for a couple of weeks now to lift my mood. We’ve increased it rapidly, due to my being on a ward, so we’re able to monitor for the very serious rash it can cause. It seems that at 50mg it’s enough to cause a definite mood shift.

    I actually enjoyed activities recently! Just sitting and knitting brought me pleasure. I felt good when I swam. Just the little things of life made me feel enjoyment – this is very new to me.

    Today is a bit of a slow day, and I’ve questioned, oh no I am feeling low again? I was expecting OT groups, but instead people had one to ones. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’ve napped all this afternoon, and when awake I’ve felt bored.

    But I don’t feel in pain emotionally. Today feels boring, not life.

    I think that’s a major difference.