Choice: an update

I wrote this on November 1st 2022:

In a previous post, I asked ‘what does healthy look like for a PDAer?’

My therapists opinion is that healthy looks like having choice. Freedom to choose to avoid or comply, rather than being ruled by nervous system activation and trauma responses.

I suppose that means then, that it must always be an option to say no. There’s only true choice if you have the freedom to choose to refuse. I often don’t trust that there will be that freedom in interactions with other people, because so often growing up it was absolutely not an option. Perhaps practicing saying no more frequently would help me trust that I can do that.

I wonder if I learnt to say ‘No’ more often, if it would help me choose to take on other demands in life as I’d feel more in control.

Two years on, I’ve made a lot of progress with this. I still find people don’t always listen to a no, but I do make an effort to say it more often. I also use AAC (augmentative, alternative communication) cards on a sunflower lanyard, and my PDA flipchart to explain my drive to avoid.

The biggest difference I’ve noticed however, is in my avoidance of obligations. I can now ask myself “do I choose to avoid or to do this task?” and that makes a big difference, because often I’ll say: “yes I choose to do so!”

But not always. Sometimes I say “no I choose to not do this” and allow myself to choose avoidance. I find this offers the most autonomy – being driven to always avoid is not autonomy nor control: it’s being reactive to our surroundings, always.