Inside our autistic minds

I’d avoided watching this. Partly from all the discussion about it, and from someone asking me if I’d watched it… so of course that expectation was paralysing. Mainly though, because of fear of a mainstream documentary just being shit.

It wasn’t.

It really, really wasn’t.

Flo’s video to her mum had me in tears. I’ve asked my mum to watch it, because of that scene (well, the whole thing).. that scene felt like everything I’d say to my mum if I could find the words and courage. I related so hard to everything Flo had experienced and expressed. Being obviously different from a young age, but not knowing why. Knowing you needed to be more like everyone else.

The sense that who I truly was, was Wrong.

With PDA and the way it differs from non-PDA autism, for years I felt that autism didn’t even fit. That I definitely felt odd, and different, and struggled socially… but couldn’t possibly be Autistic. I was just Wrong. Not struggling as much as Autistics would, seeming to just be a failing neurotypical. Discovering that PDA explains the space of ‘surface social skills, but still impaired’ was life-changing. Finding that I do have a place in the community of neurodivergents feels like coming home to my own people. My neurokin.

Not only coming home to my own people, but coming home to myself. My stims. My hyperactivity – and knowing the benefits of expressing it through physical activity. My intense interests. My demand anxiety. My rollercoaster emotional experience. My ability to roleplay. My need for control. Myself.

It’s so good to know that I am Autistic, and to find content that reflects my experience back to me. Not just this documentary, but all the content on social media. Books written by Autistic people (I recently pre-ordered Untypical by Pete Wharmby and will review it here when it arrives). The play I saw in July last year, Atypical Rainbow.

But also learning about the experiences of people elsewhere on the spectrum. The documentary also focused on Murray, a non-speaking Autistic man with apraxia. His film made me think of the kids at the school I worked with, and my hopes that they are introduced to spelling to communicate. It made me think of my period of situational mutism, where I too had so many thoughts – I was manic, so many many racing delusional thoughts! There was a lot going on in my internal world that no one had any idea about. Murray expressed himself beautifully and eloquently through his film, clearly an intelligent young man.

There’s nothing like the magic of neuro-affirming creations by, and interactions with my neurokin. I wish we could all grow up with this from a young age, instead of experiencing behavioural modification, bullying, and abuse forcing us into hiding our true selves.