Impatience

I’m feeling a sense of diffuse impatience tonight. There’s nothing specifically I’m impatient for, which is a bit strange. It’s a general eagerness to start making progress on my goals. To start gaining research experience, to start making progress in working to better the lives of my fellow AuDHDers, PDAers, and wider neurodivergents. To get involved in Mad Pride campaigning. To find how I can support the lives of people who are more permanently non-speaking than I was.

There’s a million and one dreams, hopes, ambitions and desires bubbling inside of me. It’s just knowing how to enact them in a real sense – and knowing that I have my limits and can only achieve so much. I need to work out what I’m best suited to, where my efforts will be most effective. I need to find out what opportunities there are for ‘making a difference’, or what opportunities I can create.

It’s the effort of years and I am only just at the beginning. ADHD has always made me a very impatient person, and the days where there’s no progress to be made, that you just have to live through are always very frustrating to me. It’s so hard to not feel that they are a waste of time, even though during them I can make progress on the living skills that will support me through all the upcoming years of work. The fundamentals are not interesting, and my brain wants to skip over them to the good part. Basic skills like money management (fundamental if you want to start your own business, which is something about which I have little seedlings of ideas growing). Or the self-care that might help me look after myself and avoid burnout (or recover from it). None of that can afford to be neglected, even if it isn’t sexy.