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Right now I hate being a PDAer.

My knee dislocated yesterday. Immediately went back into place, but not without agony.

It’s possible I have a hypermobility condition and I definitely hate that. Can’t cope that this is likely to not be the last time this happens.

PDAers are known for having intense mood swings. My mood has tanked today. I’m irritable, hostile, angry, tearful.

My mood, as I’ve said before has been low recently. I’ve been struggling to find enjoyment in life, and worst still, identify when I’ve ever enjoyed life. It’s not a lie to say that every season of my life has been traumatic in it’s own way. A doctor on the first psych ward I was on identified my autistic traits.. and thought I had dysthymia alongside bipolar. I wonder if he might have been on to something. When I’m not manic, I’m low. I don’t really do ‘normal’.

So today feels like a double whammy of mood disorders and PDA mood swing.

I feel like no one likes the unmasked me. The intense moods. The demand avoiding. The very real lack of pleasure I experience in life. The verbal hyperactivity. The anxiety.

I feel like a problem. I feel like time and time again I cause problems.