Notes from therapy

I’ve been worrying for a while that I might be a ‘failure’ at my supported living, in that because I’m PDA as well as mentally ill (it’s mental health supported living), the staff won’t be able to support me to eventually live independently. Most people, when I bring this up, tell me that it’s a process and I’ll make progress over time. To have more self-belief that I can achieve this.

Unsurprisingly, the person who understood the reason for my worry was my therapist. She understands how disabling PDA, autism and ADHD can be, and said it’s possible I may not be able to. She also stated that being unable to live independently is not a failing. At one point, she praised me for thinking about the future and I said most people tell me to stop trying to think so far into the future. I love that she knows that as an autistic person, I want some sense of certainty and predictability, so I will naturally try and plan the future so I can feel safe.

We also discussed ways to try and meet independent living tasks. She suggested maybe deadlines would help, or maybe I need someone to say ‘this needs doing Now’. We considered entering tasks in a diary to see if they would create a deadline that helps, or if they create demands that hinder.

I need to explore further whether using others for prompts is relying on not feeling safe to avoid demands from other people, and whether this is relying on a trauma response. I do agree with my therapist, healthy lies in choice – to comply, or avoid. PDA avoidance isn’t a choice, it’s a threat response generated by the neurotype. My response to demands of complying also does not feel like a choice, it feels like the The Only Safe Option, and it would be nice to feel safe enough to avoid. I suppose though, this should be being able to avoid as a choice.

I talked about how since discovering PDA I worked on feeling safe enough to actually feel demand anxiety. Taking some time when faced with a demand and being curious about how it made me feel, gently, and discovering that yes, it’s stressful, there’s anxiety. I do wonder though, after the session, if I’m not feeling safe enough to feel demand anxiety in response to demands from other people. I think it might do me good to work on sensing the demand anxiety that arises during interactions, and creating safety to have choices, including the choice to avoid.